Emotions

I was going through my drafts today and came across this. I'm sure there was more I wanted to write but for now I can't remember what was on my mind then. I thought it was worth sharing.

----------------------------------

I never knew when Shawn and I decided to add to our family the thoughts, feelings and emotions I was going to end up experiencing. I knew there would be fear, because I felt fear before we started trying. As my first post about our struggles stated I couldn't believe my nightmare was coming true. I think not being able to get pregnant is probably a fear most women and girls have. Its just one of those things you grow up expecting will be able to happen fairly easily for you since everyone you ever knew never had a problem. (at least that you knew of.) The biggest thing that has caught me off guard has been my dwindling confidence in myself as a woman. I have been so surprised at what infertility does to make you feel in some senses like less of a woman. Add on the hit of finally getting pregnant and then losing the baby, and then you get a wreck of emotions.  My faith has been tested in myself, that I'm even good enough to be a mother, maybe I've done something that I'm being punished for. At one point in time I even felt as though I was having one horribly sick joke played on me. Saying "here have hope that you are now going to have a baby.....oh wait just kidding that's not going to happen right now!" Recently the thought has been what could I have done differently? Did I do something to cause the loss of this pregnancy? I feel guilty at times that I haven't been able to get pregnant and then when I did I lost it, and maybe I could have stopped it. I see the way Shawn longingly looks at children (not in a creepy way, just that same look I'm sure I get, the one that says man I can't wait to have our own) and I feel so bad I haven't been able to give him that. Hopefully we will be able to get past our first battle with infertility. I don't kid myself that once we have one baby we will be able to get pregnant straight away. I know that we most likely will not only have to deal with primary infertility but we will also have to deal with secondary infertility, I just wish/hope/pray that we wont have to deal with this round of infertility for much longer.

Interestin Developments

Wow I don't even know where to start this post I'm such a jumble of mixed feelings right now.
This morning I received a phone call from my midwife with the results from my testing. She told me that I do have PCOS but more as a quick side note kind of thing like I already knew that I had PCOS. I'm surprised at how much this diagnosis hasn't effected me, I'm talking not at all. I guess I really did just know that there was such a high chance that I had it that the diagnosis was more of a confirmation.
The rest of the phone call I 100% did not expect she said she took my ultrasound to a consulting OBGYN to look at it and they feel like my uterine lining is just way too thick for them to be comfortable with. They also said that they thought they saw a polyp in my uterus. Basically the way she explained the polyp to me was that its just a growth. Yep doesn't tell me much lol. She then went on to tell me that they want me to go in for surgery. Am I a fan of this idea? NOPE not at all I hate even the idea of having to go in, I'm a little traumatized by my last surgical experience. So anyway, she proceeds to tell me that they want to do a hysteroscopy (a small camera inserted into my uterus) to look at my polyp to see what it is and then they want to clean out my uterine lining to give me what she called "a fresh start." While they are in there she also wants to do an HSG also known as a Hysterosalpingogram, which just means they will inject dye into my uterus and watch my tubes through an x-ray machine to see if the dye moves freely through my tubes.  She then told me that I am to no longer be taking the medicines she prescribed me last week. (insert hugh sigh of relief here, means I can eat yummy foods again.)
This is a whole lot to take in I must tell you. She asked me when she was done explaining everything that they want to do if I was just ready to schedule basically. I politely asked her if this was something I could think on and discuss with Shawn. Her reply was of course, and that this is not an emergency and its not something that needs to be done straight away. So we have decided to wait at least for a while. I have read in a few places of women being told they had a polyp and it turned out to be a very early pregnancy, which could be the case for us (I would only be about 3week 4 days if I am pregnant) so we are waiting. Waiting to see if maybe my body can shed that lining by itself, waiting to see if there is a chance that polyp could possibly be a baby (no I'm not getting my hopes up for that, but it would be nice) and we are waiting for all of this information to sink in before I run out and get surgery.

Big Update!

So today I finally got in to see my midwife again and wow did she go all out. I've been put on 4 different prescriptions, yep you read that right, FOUR! Shawn is a bit weirded out by the fact that she is putting me on so many. But I am just happy she is finally ready to get the ball really rolling. It was so cute she asked me my DOB which is coming up in a couple of weeks and then was like "oh yay happy birthday to you. This will be your last birthday without a baby!" I can't tell you how happy that made me. I have to go in tomorrow for a full blood panel and ultrasound because she thinks I might have something called PCOS. (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) I've already done a TON of research on this and came to realize months ago that there was a huge possibility that this is something I have. Um the meds she has put me on are something she would put me on even if I do have it. Mostly we're having this done just so we know for sure whether or not that is whats causing our issues. Want to know another cool thing? One of the meds called metformin supposedly helps to lose weight, though it can also make you pretty sick. I guess everything has its pros and cons. So yeah I'm back in to the doctors in the morning to have those tests done and should know by next week what the results are. I've got a feeling this next cycle is going to be one heck of an adventure!

Happy Birthday to the Good Doctor

Dr Suess that is! :) The kids got to make their own cat in the hat today at school which was a really fun project to see and everyone came in wearing somethin Dr Suess or the famous Red and White striped hat. I love to see what the teachers do in their classrooms for fun days like this, they are things I want to keep in mind for when I finally have my very own classroom!

Here is my favorite quote from Dr Suess it keeps a smile on my face and reminds me that I can give my troubles just as much back as they are giving me. :D