Bye Bye Baby

Well my dear blogging friends I had this whole post written up and I was prepared to share some fantastic news with you.... I was pregnant. We found out almost a month ago that we were going to have a little one in June and man was I excited. We wanted to make sure family knew before we told everyone else and then I was going to post on here all about it after our first appointment which was set for tomorrow (which is now going to be a follow up appointment to make sure everything is ok with me.) But life decided to take an other path for us. I unfortunately wasn't meant to keep this pregnancy and all of a sudden its gone. Just like that. I've had emotional days and other days that haven't been emotional at all. The last few weeks have been a surreal roller coaster ride. I went in two weeks ago with my mom by my side because I knew something just wasn't right, and then the midwife told me that I was just 4 weeks pregnant instead of 6. But the midwife acted like that was perfectly normal, said everything looked wonderful and right where it needed to be and just not to worry so I didn't. Though this little sneaky thought stayed in the back of my head, there was no way I could have been 4 weeks, we found out three weeks before that. I KNEW I was 6 weeks. But I tried to keep my spirits high, but two days later I started to miscarry.

Like I said I knew there was something wrong, or in a way I felt disconnected, I just thought that it was because it was such an unreal thing to happen to us that I needed cold hard proof that this was a real thing, like an ultrasound or something. The biggest blessing I've we have had through this is now being able to know that we actually can get pregnant. I'm not sure about Shawn but I had given up hope in becoming pregnant. Yes I was going to go to a new doctor, but I almost felt like I just needed to see him to get closure so I could move on and wait for Shawn to be on board with adoption. The last few days I've been contemplating why we would be given this pregnancy for only 6 or 7 short weeks and the best answer I can come up with is this was the Lords way of saying "Hey you can get pregnant. You will be parents. Don't you dare give up on me. I have great plans for you." This little answer I think is whats holding me together right now. I have had many blessings over the last few days and a lot of time to think and start coping with this loss. I feel a sort of comfort knowing that we will be entrusted with children. Maybe June just wasn't the best month for that to happen for us. But now we know it will eventually happen for us and we will not give up hope. You know that saying "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" by Friedrich Nietzsche? Well I know this is true in our lives, shoot if we hadn't dealt with the grief and emptiness of infertility before this I don't know how either one of us would be dealing with this loss right now. 

Horrible at keeping secrets

I'm so sorry my dear blogging friends that I was MIA once again. So much has happened in this last month and well I'm horrible at keeping secrets so in order for me to not share something that shouldn't be shared yet I made myself take a small break from blogging! Like I said I'm a horrible keeper of big secrets so chances are that half of you already know my secret, and for those of you that do and have kept it for me I must say thank you so much! Anyway I'm sure you are just dying to hear my secret aren't you??? Well first lets give you a little update about whats been going on in the Marra household this past month.

I got a job!!! Yay for working at an elementary school! I just love it, I have been hired on as a second grade teachers aid I'm pretty much shared between two teachers and classrooms and do whatever it is they need done to help their classrooms run a little more smoothly. While in the interview I was informed that this is only a one year position and at the end of the school year I will no longer be employed by that school. Which honestly works out great for me because Shawn and I have been trying to plan a trip back to England next fall for an other cousins wedding, yay for weddings!

Shawn has been just as busy as ever with his job. Which is good because it helps to pay the bills. And over the last few weeks he has done this with the garage!

His very own special man cave! As you can see there is still more work to be done. We think that one of the previous tenants in this house used the garage either as a bedroom or kids play room. it used to be painted purple  and there were glowing stars all over the ceiling! All of the cool yellow slat board and hangers that attach to it Shawn got for $0 and hung himself with the help of his brother. He even got a free workbench and shelving. I'm not going to complain about that!

We still have Shawn's brother and our nephew living with us. Though we are not sure how much longer that situation will be since we will have a new permanent resident in our house in June! We are very excited about this new resident, though to be honest I'm not sure either one of us really comprehends how much this new addition to our household is going to rock our world! But like I said we are soooo excited for this new addition since we've been struggling to get it here for the past two and a half years. Ok so if you haven't guessed it yet, WE'RE PREGNANT! 

Gah that's my big secret I've been trying to keep. We've known since the 16th well technically I knew on the 15th but took three more tests before I was convinced enough to tell Shawn. It is really hard to keep that kind of news from people though since it has taken us so long to get to this point! I'm six weeks along (which makes 34 more weeks sound like an eternity) and we have our first appointment/Ultrasound in two weeks. Everyone keeps telling me that we are having a boy and a girl. Shawn is already convinced that we will be having all girls and that is all there is to it, end of discussion. Honestly for me I will just be happy with whatever it is that the Lord choses to bless us with. Though I think I would have a bit of a heart attack if I found out that we are having more than one baby. Twins do run every generation in my mom's family so I guess there is a slight chance of it. But for right now I'm very content thinking that its just one little pumpkin seed in there. So there you have it my little secret is out. What do you think? Crazy no?

*little update*
I wrote this at the beginning on the week and decided to wait until the end of the week to post and then things happened. I actually went in to the doctor friday because I was super scared we were having a miscarriage. I can't even describe the feelings and thoughts that were going through my head at the time. I was so crushed and freaked out before even going in. They had to take my blood pressure and heart rate twice and even the second time my heart rate was at 127! Thats pretty high for just sitting in a doctors office for approximately an hour before hand. My mom came with me which was really nice because yeah I was freaking out. The midwife did an exam and ultrasound and I got to see what will be the baby. (thats right only one *sigh of relief) Right now it just looks like a little blob thing on the screen lol She did say that my due date is actually going to be two weeks later at the moment but that it can change back by our next ultrasound which is still set for two weeks from now. Hopefully we'll see progression and everything will be fine by then!