Bye Bye Baby

Well my dear blogging friends I had this whole post written up and I was prepared to share some fantastic news with you.... I was pregnant. We found out almost a month ago that we were going to have a little one in June and man was I excited. We wanted to make sure family knew before we told everyone else and then I was going to post on here all about it after our first appointment which was set for tomorrow (which is now going to be a follow up appointment to make sure everything is ok with me.) But life decided to take an other path for us. I unfortunately wasn't meant to keep this pregnancy and all of a sudden its gone. Just like that. I've had emotional days and other days that haven't been emotional at all. The last few weeks have been a surreal roller coaster ride. I went in two weeks ago with my mom by my side because I knew something just wasn't right, and then the midwife told me that I was just 4 weeks pregnant instead of 6. But the midwife acted like that was perfectly normal, said everything looked wonderful and right where it needed to be and just not to worry so I didn't. Though this little sneaky thought stayed in the back of my head, there was no way I could have been 4 weeks, we found out three weeks before that. I KNEW I was 6 weeks. But I tried to keep my spirits high, but two days later I started to miscarry.

Like I said I knew there was something wrong, or in a way I felt disconnected, I just thought that it was because it was such an unreal thing to happen to us that I needed cold hard proof that this was a real thing, like an ultrasound or something. The biggest blessing I've we have had through this is now being able to know that we actually can get pregnant. I'm not sure about Shawn but I had given up hope in becoming pregnant. Yes I was going to go to a new doctor, but I almost felt like I just needed to see him to get closure so I could move on and wait for Shawn to be on board with adoption. The last few days I've been contemplating why we would be given this pregnancy for only 6 or 7 short weeks and the best answer I can come up with is this was the Lords way of saying "Hey you can get pregnant. You will be parents. Don't you dare give up on me. I have great plans for you." This little answer I think is whats holding me together right now. I have had many blessings over the last few days and a lot of time to think and start coping with this loss. I feel a sort of comfort knowing that we will be entrusted with children. Maybe June just wasn't the best month for that to happen for us. But now we know it will eventually happen for us and we will not give up hope. You know that saying "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" by Friedrich Nietzsche? Well I know this is true in our lives, shoot if we hadn't dealt with the grief and emptiness of infertility before this I don't know how either one of us would be dealing with this loss right now.