Oh the Joys of Clomid and those pesky Pharmacists

I had to go get my clomid refilled. No big deal give them the  RX and wait. When I get my prescription I ask if its ok to take with the amoxicillin I'm taking for the strep/scarlet fever. The pharmacist comes over to tell me its fine to take together and there shouldn't be any problems. He then proceeds to ask me about taking the clomid
"have you taken this drug before?"
"yes"
"have you taken this dosage before?"
"yes"
"ok because thats a pretty hefty dosage for you to be taking"
"yeah I know"

I then couldn't help thinking to myself, do you really think I'd be taking a dosage this high if I didn't need to? Trust me there are no good side effects to taking clomid besides the fact that they make me ovulate, every other side effect I'd be very happy to not have to deal with including the hot flashes and night sweats, dizzy spells and raging hormones.
So I get home to find that he has also included a pamphlet on infertility, with a website for me to check out. I don't know if I should be thankful he is trying to help or irritated that he thinks I'm not educated about my own condition. I'm leaning towards irritated though as I looked at the bottle today and he wrote no refills on my RX, which my doctor had specifically written that I get up to 4 refills so I don't have to keep going in to him to get a refill every month until March.

Oh an update on that I went in for my last Ultrasound and he said that the high dosage is working great and that we should hopefully see great results, that is if there isn't any other underlying issues. So he dosen't feel the need to monitor me every single cycle. Instead he just wants me to keep taking the pills and keep on trying. If we aren't pregnant by March then I am to go back in and start some bigger testing.  Wish us luck!!!

Scarlet Fever

This last week I've been so super sick and not in a good I'm pregnant kind of way. More like a strep throat cant eat a thing kind of sick. Its been miserable, and it took me 5 days before I actually went in to a doctor. I know a BAD idea but the ladies at work had all said that they had been sick and it all starts with a sore throat so I figured I needed to just ride it out. But when my hives wouldn't go away and my throat wasn't getting even a little bit better, in fact its gotten worse, I had to go in. He told me that he didn't even need to test me that he knew I had strep, said that he'd treat me and if it doesn't get better I could have mono. But that normally has a rash with it, cue me rolling up my sleeves and showing him my lovely little rash. He took one look at it and said oh no that's a strep rash we call it Scarlet Fever. WHAT THE HECK! I didn't even know people got scarlet fever anymore. He acted like it was no big deal so I just went with it. But when I got home I had to do some research. The only thing I've ever known about scarlet fever I learned from playing Oregon Trail as a kid. And anyone who has played that game knows that you lose people in your wagon party to scarlet fever so I had to make sure it wasn't something bad!
Its not bad its annoying and can cause problems if not treated but we've got that one under control. The surprising thing for me was reading that most people who get it are between the ages of 4-8 years old, I'm pretty sure I'm no where near that age group. This was just something that shocked me. So I want to know, have any of you ever had scarlet fever or known anyone who has? I really thought that this was something that wasn't around anymore!

After the Clomid

As you may know I had a follow up ultrasound last week to see if the clomid actually worked. We were checking to see if I had grown any follicles and if they were big enough. The results weren't what we wanted to see. I only had one follicle (he wanted to see 2-4) and it wasn't even big enough for him to want to give me a trigger shot. So we've had to wait it out and make plans for our next cycle, in which he will up my dosage again.  Because of this I've had a hard time being optimistic about us getting pregnant this time around. Our chances just haven't been looking good.

So you'll imagine my surprise when I saw this little dude smiling at me telling me that I'm actually going to ovulate. I'll be honest I know most people don't understand how exciting it is to see that little face, but when I haven't seen him since I got pregnant a year ago I can't help but start to get my hopes up. Fingers crossed we can find better success with this little man than the last one!

One Year

One Year ago today I was the happiest person in the world, nothing (that I knew of) could have knocked me down, I was floating on a cloud. One year ago today I learned that after two and a half years of trying to get pregnant I WAS actually pregnant. One year ago I was telling my amazing husband that I finally was going to make him a father. One year ago today my life was changed forever. In one year there has not been a day that goes by that I don't think about that baby and what could be happening in our lives today if we hadn't lost it.  One year has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure.
Today October 15th also is the National Day of remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. How fitting that it lands exactly one year to the day that we found out about our angel baby. Today not only is that angel baby on my mind but every person with their own angel babies are also on my mind. I'm so sorry for the loss and heartache that they have all had to endure and hope that they have/will all be able to find peace in their own losses. Today they are all on my mind, in my heart and in my prayers.

Interesting Combo

Head Cold and Clomid, never had both at the same time its a very interesting experience! I've literally been dizzy all day long, if I move my eyes too fast, if I MOVE I feel like I'm going to fall down dizzy. Which gets very interesting adding teaching preschool into the mix! I will say that I'll take the dizzy over the down right moody any day, either way my poor kids have to deal with me either not feeling well enough to be fully invested or being moody enough that I just get mad at everything. Poor poor kids! Hopefully they don't have to put up with all of this for long!
 I go in next Friday the 12th for an ultrasound to check on my follies and make sure they are making me some awesome eggs. He will also be checking to make sure the Clomid is helping stimulate enough follicles, this way he doesn't up my dosage too much and make me Octomom for this I'm grateful.  If there are plenty and they are big enough then I get to have a trigger shot, I'm not going to lie the trigger scares the pee out of me! Trigger-A shot in my stomach or my rear, to help me drop my eggs. Neither of which sound appealing, BUT I will suck it up because right now this is what might just get us a baby or two! (two for the price of one anybody?)  Wish us luck!

Pinterest

I have been asked to post the link to my Pinterest boards here for my Low Amylose diet board. So sorry it took me so long Susan! Enjoy!

http://pinterest.com/becs0808/low-amylose-diet/

Today

As you know S and I had our consult appointment today. I don't know why I make myself so nervous about these things they never turn out to be a big huge deal. Doctor H was great, he was very informative and gave us a plan that we really feel comfortable with. Nothing too drastic will be done there are just a bunch of basic tests he wants to run on us, which no one else seemed bothered enough to do. He said that he felt like 3.5 years made him think we need to be a little more aggressive with things so while we are doing all of this testing he will also have me back on the clomid and monitoring me as we go.  He is very confident that if we can get past the whole PCOS thing then it shouldn't be too hard for us to get pregnant. He also said that he could see us with 2-3 kids within the next 5 years. Something that made my heart feel much lighter. We are finally going to start making progress in our family building journey, and as long as everything is good on our other testing we should hopefully be bringing a baby home before next Christmas! (fingers, toes, eyes, and anything else we can cross, crossed that this will be a smooth process from here on out!)

Nerves

I look and seem so calm on the outside but tonight I'm starting to get freaked out nervous about our appointment tomorrow! I know its just a consult, that's what's freaking me out I just don't know what to expect. I guess we'll find out soon enough. Wish us luck!!

Finally

We are finally taking that next big step in growing our family! I know its taken way longer for us to get to this point than I ever would have dreamed but, I'm finally going to be going to see a specialist. I'll be making the appointment tomorrow. I remember hearing about people waiting 4,5 even 6 years before finally going in to see a specialist and thinking they were crazy that there would never be any way I would wait that long. Well I guess there was a way I'd wait nearly that long to go in. Getting pregnant last year really set things back for us. We had been given hope that if we could do it once on our own we would surely be able to do it again within an other year. Obviously that did not happen and I'm at a point where I know I need help to get my PCOS under control and if I can get pregnant in the process then thats even better! I'm going to be trying to get in with Dr P at the U of U I've heard many many good things about him and he's literally one of four RE's (reproductive endocrinologists) that my insurance actually covers.

We are very lucky in the fact that we have infertility coverage, since most insurances wont cover it. There are no laws to help people dealing with infertility, and most insurance companies class treatment as elective, under the same sort of category as plastic surgery, which is pretty sad in my opinion. So we did luck out with being covered for testing and treatment. The only sad part about our coverage is that we can only be covered $1,500 annually up to $5,000 lifetime. To put this in perspective there is one test that I will need to have (every doctor I've talked to has mentioned that I need it) this one test runs on average $750, that is HALF of my annual coverage. This is part of the reason I wanted to start seeing a specialist further into the year. This way we can be covered the $1,500 this year and hopefully we won't have to pause our treatments and testing before being covered an other $1,500 next year. 

So anyway tomorrow I'll be setting an appointment and hopefully we'll be getting in within the next few weeks or months to start this HUGE step. Fingers crossed we'll be able to find successful results going this route. Not only success but more of a peace knowing that we are in capable hands, with someone who will actually be invested in getting us the best treatments and results as he possibly can. Wish us luck!!!

Oh Shoot!

 Oh my goodness friends I've done it again been MIA for the last month. I guess that's what summer time does to you! I got a new job as a preschool teacher and I've been so busy preparing for that. I'll be honest I'm terrified of having to teach ten, yes TEN, three year olds at a time. I'm sure it will be great though, I'll get the hang of it!
S has become more gung ho about the whole LA diet than I have, how sad is that? No, I know its not sad it means he really wants kids with me and wants us to do everything we can to make that possible! Which is such a sweet thing!
In other news I haven't ovulated since FEBRUARY! What the hell is wrong with me!?! Ok I know what is wrong with me that damn PCOS. It just makes me feel so beyond guilty that its my fault we aren't parents yet. But S has been soooo amazing, he told me that our five year plan is to adopt as many kids as we want. Then quickly said "Honey I really don't think we'll need to adopt though this diet thing is really going to help us out I just know it." And he really means it, he's got a lot of faith that through this diet and our exercise we will be pregnant in no time.
Another funny conversation we had was about us going to England next year. I told him that if we get pregnant later than September then we wont be making it to England for my cousins wedding. To which he replied "its ok I'll make sure we get pregnant then!" Hahaha if only it were really that easy! I can't help but love him a little more for it though, it shows me that hes willing to do whatever it takes and hasn't given up on us getting pregnant yet.
But seriously I'm going to be making an appointment with an RE this month and hopefully he can help speed up the process, you know help me ovulate more than once in six months. BUT the minute we are told that we need IFV or heaven forbid we are told that our chances of conception are slim to none we will be making an appointment straight away with an adoption agency to get the ball rolling. If there is one thing we both agree on its that we want to be parents soon and we want to become parents before we hit our 30's. So if me physically having a baby proves to be taking too long (not that 3.5 years isn't a long time, but say 6 months down the road I'm still not pregnant) then we have no problem bringing children into our family through the miracle of adoption.
 Until then I will confront this little SOB

 month after month until we see one of these!

I'm back!

Dear Blog Friends,
 First I must say I'm sorry for the M.I.A. I've been horrible trying to keep to the LA diet these past few weeks and to top it off S took me to his boss' cabin for a little over a week so we were off the grid so to speak. I have been asked to share the link for my pinterest LA board so here it is for you lovley ladies. http://pinterest.com/becs0808/low-amylose-diet/
In other news S is finally on board with this diet. He says he thinks it would be best to get as healthy as possible to up our chances of getting pregnant. (Something I've been trying to get through to him for a while now lol) To go along with this diet, about a month ago I signed up for our local gym. They had this great deal going on that I just couldn't pass up.$30 a month for use of the gym AND a group trainer every Saturday afternoon. Now when I pictured group training I though man this is going to be a group of at least 10 people and I'll see him just enough to tell me what workout I need to be doing. WRONG! When I got there, there were literally three people there. I still thought that this was a fluke, yet I went back this last week and low and behold there was only ONE other person there! I'm still hurting a bit from our workout today and man does it feel so good. I think this $30 a month is going to be such a great investment.
Ok enough talking, who wants to see some photos from our little cabin trip? You do? Oh great well here they are, enjoy!

39 Weeks

Today I received an email reminding me that I am 39 weeks pregnant. Where has the time gone? I can't believe that in one weeks time I would have been due with our miracle baby. That we would have been bringing him or her home and our lives would have changed forever.

It crazy to think that a year ago I was becoming so set on adoption being our way to parenthood, that it was possibly our only option. I never would have thought that three months later I would be pregnant. And never in a million years did I ever think we would have to deal with the heartbreak of a miscarriage. I feel as if I'm finally coming to terms with this loss. And I'm trying so hard to move on. 

The idea of adopting has not left my mind but has taken a back seat for a while. And why wouldn't it? We got pregnant without medical help. We can make that happen again right? I had really hoped wished and prayed that I would be pregnant again before my "due date" came around I guess that was just not meant to be. We are still holding out hope that we will be blessed with a child soon through me getting pregnant. But my hopes are dwindling that pregnancy will be achieved without the help of a specialist.

So here I am a year later doing exactly what I was last year, looking for the best specialist to go to, one that I can have faith in, who will actually listen to our problems and really try to figure them out. Hopefully I'll find that doctor soon and we can move on with our journey. Until then we'll just have to stay strong and hope that the Lord is planning to bless us with our own little miracle soon.

Fathers Day

Fathers Day does not bother me nearly as much as Mothers Day I've learned. I'm not sure how it effects Shawn. If it does bother him, he's very good at keeping it to himself. I felt yesterday like I needed to wish him a Happy Fathers Day just as much as I needed to wish the other men in our lives a happy day. I did so as we drove back from my parents last night. He looked at me for a second then said something to the effect of Thanks we've got two cute kids at home. Then went on his normal rant about the little things that get under his skin about them. If you didn't already know we have two dogs who we tend to treat like our children, and who also act like they are human. I just thought this was a cute little reply, I wholly expected him to look at me like I'm crazy and ask me what I had been smoking since we don't actually have kids yet. It was just one nice little moment with him that reminded me that he's a pretty awesome guy that I am very lucky to be spending my life with.

Chicken and Squash

I have to tell you Pinterest has been a lifesaver being on this diet, the rules are so simple but really it means cutting out ALOT of stuff from our diet. So when I come across recipes like this I just have to try them! So tonight's dinner was partially from Pinterest and partially something I remembered seeing once upon a time somewhere in internet land.

Spinach and mozzarella stuffed chicken breast with spaghetti squash au gratin. The au gratin was perfect, very filling which made it VERY hard to finish dinner tonight. Oh well I guess it'll make a great lunch for tomorrow.
The chicken was made the best I could from memory. Here's how I did it.

2 chicken breasts
2 small pieces of mozzarella
6 leafs of spinach
2 tbsp butter
1 tbsp rosemary

Pound out the chicken breasts so they are nice and thin so you can roll them up. Place 3 leafs of spinach and one piece of mozzarella in each. Fold up the chicken so that the cheese will not leak out while baking. Melt the butter and mix it with the rosemary pour evenly over chicken. Cover with foil and bake at 350 for 20 minutes.

Pretty simple and simply delicious! I think next time though I will pair it with steamed veggies instead of the spaghetti squash. The squash would be nice either by itself since it is so filling or with a simple piece of meat possibly fish? Either way both will stay on the menu in our house.

Pinspired

Today I was pinspired by this! There was no way I could pass this up since I love cheesecake and caramel apples! There was only one  little problem I'm trying to stick with my Low Amylose Diet and well the caramel and graham crackers called for isn't LA friendly. So I came up  with this version :)

Here is my recipe:

1 8 oz Package Cream Cheese (I used weight watchers)

1/3 jar Smucker's sugar free caramel ice cream topping

Mix together

Then I took one apple sliced it up 2 heaping tablespoons of dip and a handful of chopped almonds. Dip in both and enjoy! This was the best mid afternoon snack I have had in a long time. What has pinspired you lately?


*Update I originally said that you need 1/2 jar of the caramel, but it really needs only 1/3 of the jar

The Worst Food for Your Belly

Today I received an email from The Biggest Loser Club. Yes I'm in love with that show and yes I get their news letters. Shoot we all know I need to lose a few pounds so why not get as much back up as possible? Anyway I got this email today about the worst food for your belly. Well actually the worst food for you overall. And I'll tell you its not what you might think. Here is the email below:

When we asked cardiologist William Davis, M.D., what the worst food for your heart is, he didn't spend long thinking. His answer: Wheat.

Then he told us that it's also the worst food for your belly. In fact, because of this, he's actually coined a new term. "I call it wheat belly, though I could have just as easily called this condition pretzel brain or bagel bowel or biscuit face since there's not an organ system unaffected by wheat," says Dr. Davis, author of the new book, Lose the Wheat, Lose the Weight. "But wheat's impact on the waistline is its most visible characteristic."

If you're carrying around excess belly flab, Dr. Davis's advice is clear: Give up the wheat. While that may sound drastic, he says that it doesn't mean never eating pizza, cookies, and cheesecake again. And that when you kick the wheat out of your diet, you actually quit craving wheat-filled foods.

Just how powerful is this wheat-free approach? "When my patients gave up wheat, they lost an average of 26.7 pounds each," says Dr. Davis. This isn't an isolated finding: According to a Mayo Clinic and University of Iowa study, test subjects lost an average of 27.5 pounds each on a wheat-free diet.

Of course, you're probably wondering: Why is wheat so bad for my waistline? The answer is simple: Because it's not really wheat anymore, says Dr. Davis. He explains that in the 1960s, a small group of scientists in Mexico set out to make wheat easier to grow and more pest resistant. That was good for the farmers, but bad for your health and your weight. The reason, according to Dr. Davis: Genetic engineering transformed wheat into a super carbohydrate that wreaks havoc on your body and makes you fat. And yes, says Dr. Davis, this even applies to the so-called "healthy" whole wheat that nutritionists say you should eat.

 This  just confirmed to me that my decision to cut out gluten and well wheat all together has been an awesome one. It just makes me feel more confident that I am making myself healthier, and giving us a MUCH better chance at actually becoming parents!

Low Amylose Diet

I have decided to go back on the Low Amylose Diet, you know the one where I don't eat grains or sugar or starches for that matter? i'm in the middle of week two on it and its going wonderfully! So far I have lost a total of 6 lbs since last Monday and lost two notches on my belt, I find that pretty impressive. This diet is meant to be paired with taking the Metformin but since I was told casually by the midwife to stop taking it I'm just doing the diet for now.

I haven't had too many cravings for the things I'm not eating, once I was desperate for anything you could have purchased at the bakery BUT I resisted temptation and my craving passed. My waist line is mighty happy I did so. Did I mention that this diet has the added benefit of helping increase my fertility? Yup thats right its one that is supposed to be great for us girls with PCOS. Just one more thing I can do to kick that SOB in the rear!
Today is CD 35, the day I normally get a visit from AF. Still haven't seen a sign of her, but to be honest I sort of knew she was going to be coming around late this month since I never ovulated. :( But I look at that as a good thing its given me time to focus on starting this diet off right and not get all bummed out that we somehow missed O and didn't get to BD on that night. Thank goodness for a month off of that stress! Once dearest AF shows I'm thinking I might just take some soy isoflavones this month to help encourage Ovulation. They are supposed to do the same thing as clomid (of which I have 30 pills rotting in my cabinet, since the doctor found it awesome to prescribe them to me then tell me one week later that I'm NOT to take them UGH!) so I'm going to give them a shot.
I have been looking into starting to see a specialist, something I was doing RIGHT before I got pregnant with our angel baby. I'm sort of glad I didn't get to find one until now. I guess one of the clinics in the next county has decided to open a satellite clinic literally a 5 minute drive from my house! I can't even tell you the amount of excitement this brings to me! They opened on monday, but I did promise Shawn a few months of trying without intervention, so we will be waiting until July to get in with them. Oh and another great thing? They only book appointments a week in advance so it shouldn't take months to get in with them YAY!!


If you want more info on the Low Amylose Diet Christina over at this blog has made a wonderful vlog about it here :D

Like WAY Wanted!

I saw this photo today and had to share it! I have a few friends who are pulling out the "big guns" and doing In Vitro Fertilization or IVF and it kind of just made me think of them and all my other ttc friends out there it just made me chuckle a little :D

Mothers Day

I must admit that Mothers Day isn't exactly my favorite day of the year and I'm sure its no secret why that is. But this year I decided to suck it up and actually go to the full three hours of church instead of sneaking in after sacrament and avoiding the wonderful talks about mothers. Its not that people do a poor job about talking about mothers or that they normally pass out some cute gift to all of the mothers/those who are over the age of 17. Its just that its normally too much of a reminder of what I am not. According to many people I do not qualify as a mother as I don't have any children, I've never held a baby in my arms and called it mine. Because of this little thought (what other people think) in my head along with the thought that I would have/could have been 8 months pregnant by now, its hard to celebrate a day that just reminds me of what I am not.

Anyway back to yesterday, I thought this year would be a little different and I could be more in control of my emotions, I had even prayed that Heavenly Father would help comfort me through this day. And I was fine, until the first talk was about halfway finished. Before I knew what was happening one tear after another started to flood my eyes then pour down my face. What was she talking about? Not mothers, but learning to love and live with what we do have not what we could have or what we once had. That we needed to learn to be happy with our lives the way they are right now and let Heavenly Father worry about what could be, should be, will be. This obviously struck a HUGE cord with me. And I hid my head in Shawn's shoulder and bawled, especially when she began to talk about how she knows there are many of us with righteous desires waiting for those things to come true, and struggling with the wait for them. Dealing with infertility it can be so hard sometimes to get passed all of those feelings to just be happy for what you do have and not dwell on those things that you don't. After her talk ended the primary kids were asked to come up with their teachers and sing a mothers day medley and yes you guessed it we are primary teachers. I refused to go up, but my dear sweet husband insisted that I come with him and he hid me in the back as I pulled myself together. After our song was over he met me in the hall with an article from April's Ensign that he insisted I read. Its called My Search for Motherhood by Linda Longhurst, its a beautiful article and if you haven't read this I suggest you do even if you are already a mother. She talks about how Mothers Day was hard on her but how she came to realize that in order to be a mother she didn't physically have to raise any children but help others in raising their's, doing such things as babysitting so that the parents could have a date night, inviting kids over to make cookies, etc.

Then a mom of one of the boys that we teach was talking to me and without knowing I had just read this article and told me not only would my time come when its right (I get that one way more than I care to think about) but that I am a mom to the 5 little boys in our class, I am helping them to grow in teaching them gospel principles. All of this combined with this sweet text I received from my friend brought me so much comfort and helped me not only deal with the rest of the day but actually enjoy it, Heavenly Father answered my prayers. Her sweet text read : "You are a mother, first to your nephew and second to your sweet baby that you miscarried. That child is still yours though you don't have physical children you have an angel, and you'll be able to raise it when you return to heaven." (That one still brings a tear to my eye.)

There have been many times that I have asked Heavenly Father what it is exactly that I am supposed to be learning from this particular trial. Yesterday I think I managed to get a glimpse of that lesson, not only do I need to let go and leave things in Heavenly Fathers plans, but I've also learned that he really is there for us and doesn't want to see us in pain and he sends angels into our lives who love us and are there for us to help us through our toughest days. I am so grateful for his kind mercies and all he has given me in my life, and I know he will bless us when the time is right, and until then he'll send those wonderful people into our lives that help make things just a little easier.

Depression

Depression can become a big reality in a woman's life who is dealing with infertility, something I never thought I would have to deal with. I know that Heavenly Father gives us trials, and holds somethings back for our own growth and the right time, so why should I have ever been depressed about anything, right? Wrong! As big of a testimony that I do have or that anyone has its still possible to doubt and become depressed. Its not an easy thing to deal with but things just need to be taken one day, one test, one moment at a time. We can get passed this, we will get passed this!

Don't Ignore Your Own Strength NIAW

Its that time of year again, can you believe its already been a year? Yes its National Infertility Awareness Week. The theme this year is don't ignore. One of their suggestions hit a particular chord with me and I'd like to address it.
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Don't Ignore Your Own Strength!

Over the past few years dealing with our struggle with infertility I have come to find out that many people in my life are affected by infertility. And as a fellow blogger stated many of us start this journey not knowing that we have a war to fight before we can get to the end. 
We naively started our journey knowing that we had a 90% chance of becoming pregnant within a year, our hopes were high and we weren't really worried when a few months passed. By 11 months I was getting concerned, and by 13 months I was very concerned when friends were getting pregnant the first month they tried. But we pushed through it, went to doctors, were given Clomid to try, and regained some hope. Then the disappointment and worry started again, we still weren't getting pregnant. Were we really so terrible that we couldn't be trusted as parents? Then the unimaginable happened I was pregnant! No drugs, no doctors, just us the two of us, we just made it happen! Then our dreams came crushing down only weeks later when we realized that baby wasn't meant to be.
Now, having been given drugs then taken off of them, being diagnosed with PCOS and told that our biggest hope will lie in getting surgery, we are still pushing forward. Yes I have had breakdowns, yes I have asked  begged and pleaded with God to please make it all stop while being a crumpled piece of myself the old me would never recognize.  Thinking "I am weak why would I be given a trial so incredibly hard as this one?" But somehow I'm still here, I'm still me, yes a different version of me, (possibly a new improved version of me? either way I'm still me, ) I still have hope and I wont give up!
This is a strength we all have, did I know three years ago that  I was strong enough to go through this? NO! In fact I remember talking to a friend about how our biggest fears were that we wouldn't be able to become parents. Well SURPRISE we (Shawn and I) get to deal with it. Do I feel in a way I have become a better person because of it? Absolutely! I am by far more sensitive to others and their needs. I also feel like this has been placed in our path so we can be a strength for others traveling down this mine filled road.
I've learned that we should NEVER look at a persons struggles and act as if they are blowing things out of proportion or that their "struggles" aren't worthy of being called such. Never is it ok to blow someone off who comes to you in desperation to deal with their own trials. It is however ALWAYS ok to help them draw upon their own strength. We all have an unimaginable strength that we can find deep inside ourselves, don't ignore it! Let it help you, sometimes that strength is all we have to pull us through day by day. If its not infertility you are dealing with chances are there is something else in your life that is a struggle. You can make it through, you are great enough to conquer it, you can do it! Don't ignore your strength!


if you have any questions about infertility don't be afraid to ask or visit

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

Dang that PCOS!

As I'm sure you can tell I'm a little frustrated with this whole PCOS thing not because of the symptoms or the diagnosis simply because it effects what I can use to help us conceive. After spending some hefty dough on a fertility monitor and the test sticks to go with it, I learn that it says that PCOS can effect how well the monitor actually works IF it works at all! Bleh. I've been hopeful that it would work like the ovulation tests do and that I wouldn't really have to worry about it. But so far no such luck, ugh, hopefully this wasn't a waste of money. Darn PCOS!

Emotions

I was going through my drafts today and came across this. I'm sure there was more I wanted to write but for now I can't remember what was on my mind then. I thought it was worth sharing.

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I never knew when Shawn and I decided to add to our family the thoughts, feelings and emotions I was going to end up experiencing. I knew there would be fear, because I felt fear before we started trying. As my first post about our struggles stated I couldn't believe my nightmare was coming true. I think not being able to get pregnant is probably a fear most women and girls have. Its just one of those things you grow up expecting will be able to happen fairly easily for you since everyone you ever knew never had a problem. (at least that you knew of.) The biggest thing that has caught me off guard has been my dwindling confidence in myself as a woman. I have been so surprised at what infertility does to make you feel in some senses like less of a woman. Add on the hit of finally getting pregnant and then losing the baby, and then you get a wreck of emotions.  My faith has been tested in myself, that I'm even good enough to be a mother, maybe I've done something that I'm being punished for. At one point in time I even felt as though I was having one horribly sick joke played on me. Saying "here have hope that you are now going to have a baby.....oh wait just kidding that's not going to happen right now!" Recently the thought has been what could I have done differently? Did I do something to cause the loss of this pregnancy? I feel guilty at times that I haven't been able to get pregnant and then when I did I lost it, and maybe I could have stopped it. I see the way Shawn longingly looks at children (not in a creepy way, just that same look I'm sure I get, the one that says man I can't wait to have our own) and I feel so bad I haven't been able to give him that. Hopefully we will be able to get past our first battle with infertility. I don't kid myself that once we have one baby we will be able to get pregnant straight away. I know that we most likely will not only have to deal with primary infertility but we will also have to deal with secondary infertility, I just wish/hope/pray that we wont have to deal with this round of infertility for much longer.

Interestin Developments

Wow I don't even know where to start this post I'm such a jumble of mixed feelings right now.
This morning I received a phone call from my midwife with the results from my testing. She told me that I do have PCOS but more as a quick side note kind of thing like I already knew that I had PCOS. I'm surprised at how much this diagnosis hasn't effected me, I'm talking not at all. I guess I really did just know that there was such a high chance that I had it that the diagnosis was more of a confirmation.
The rest of the phone call I 100% did not expect she said she took my ultrasound to a consulting OBGYN to look at it and they feel like my uterine lining is just way too thick for them to be comfortable with. They also said that they thought they saw a polyp in my uterus. Basically the way she explained the polyp to me was that its just a growth. Yep doesn't tell me much lol. She then went on to tell me that they want me to go in for surgery. Am I a fan of this idea? NOPE not at all I hate even the idea of having to go in, I'm a little traumatized by my last surgical experience. So anyway, she proceeds to tell me that they want to do a hysteroscopy (a small camera inserted into my uterus) to look at my polyp to see what it is and then they want to clean out my uterine lining to give me what she called "a fresh start." While they are in there she also wants to do an HSG also known as a Hysterosalpingogram, which just means they will inject dye into my uterus and watch my tubes through an x-ray machine to see if the dye moves freely through my tubes.  She then told me that I am to no longer be taking the medicines she prescribed me last week. (insert hugh sigh of relief here, means I can eat yummy foods again.)
This is a whole lot to take in I must tell you. She asked me when she was done explaining everything that they want to do if I was just ready to schedule basically. I politely asked her if this was something I could think on and discuss with Shawn. Her reply was of course, and that this is not an emergency and its not something that needs to be done straight away. So we have decided to wait at least for a while. I have read in a few places of women being told they had a polyp and it turned out to be a very early pregnancy, which could be the case for us (I would only be about 3week 4 days if I am pregnant) so we are waiting. Waiting to see if maybe my body can shed that lining by itself, waiting to see if there is a chance that polyp could possibly be a baby (no I'm not getting my hopes up for that, but it would be nice) and we are waiting for all of this information to sink in before I run out and get surgery.

Big Update!

So today I finally got in to see my midwife again and wow did she go all out. I've been put on 4 different prescriptions, yep you read that right, FOUR! Shawn is a bit weirded out by the fact that she is putting me on so many. But I am just happy she is finally ready to get the ball really rolling. It was so cute she asked me my DOB which is coming up in a couple of weeks and then was like "oh yay happy birthday to you. This will be your last birthday without a baby!" I can't tell you how happy that made me. I have to go in tomorrow for a full blood panel and ultrasound because she thinks I might have something called PCOS. (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) I've already done a TON of research on this and came to realize months ago that there was a huge possibility that this is something I have. Um the meds she has put me on are something she would put me on even if I do have it. Mostly we're having this done just so we know for sure whether or not that is whats causing our issues. Want to know another cool thing? One of the meds called metformin supposedly helps to lose weight, though it can also make you pretty sick. I guess everything has its pros and cons. So yeah I'm back in to the doctors in the morning to have those tests done and should know by next week what the results are. I've got a feeling this next cycle is going to be one heck of an adventure!

Happy Birthday to the Good Doctor

Dr Suess that is! :) The kids got to make their own cat in the hat today at school which was a really fun project to see and everyone came in wearing somethin Dr Suess or the famous Red and White striped hat. I love to see what the teachers do in their classrooms for fun days like this, they are things I want to keep in mind for when I finally have my very own classroom!

Here is my favorite quote from Dr Suess it keeps a smile on my face and reminds me that I can give my troubles just as much back as they are giving me. :D

Dinner

Since we are trying to be on a gluten free diet I have been challenged to figure out meals every night.  I am also taking it one step further and trying not to eat anything with sugar or starches. Talk about hard! So last night Shawn decided to eat what I was going to use for dinner as a little snack, So I was forced to pull something together that didn't take much prep time.Thanks love!

Anyway so we had this tasty little meal. Lemon baked salmon with balsamic butter glazed asparagus. Seriously so simple and super yummy. Ready for how it was done?

Take your salmon put it in a foil packet with a few cut lemons and the juice squeezed onto the salmon. Bake at 350 for 12-15 min. While that's cooking put asparagus in the steamer until it turns bright green. Take two tablespoons of butter melt it in a sauce pan and remove from the heat. Add 1 tablespoon soy sauce and 1 tablespoon Balsamic vinegar stir and pour over your asparagus. Top with salmon and tada a simple quick easy and delicious meal.

Back on the Drugs

Well the time has finally come for me to go back on those dreaded fertility drugs! I'm surprised this time at how much it has not effected me this far. Saying that it has only been one week since I started taking them. I did have a moment in the Temple the other night where the tears just wouldn't stop flowing and for no particular reason. Then a little bit of an angry moment a few nights ago, but besides that its been surprisingly much better this time. I am still getting the hot flashes and the other crummy side effects that come along with taking Clomid but its not something I can't handle.  This time instead of not being monitored I actually will be going in to see my midwife within three weeks of starting. I feel much more comfortable with this as I know there can be some nasty side effects sometimes from taking these and she's actually there to make sure that I really ovulate, and not "pretend ovulate" :D
I'm in no way excited to be back at what I feel is square one (back on the drugs) but now we can actually move on from our loss and who knows we might even end up with a nice little sticky bean. I don't look forward to tests and drug side effects and becoming a Clomid monster. I do look forward to finding out what is causing our struggles and hopefully finding a way to either fix them or deal with them as best we can. I am also very much looking forward to holding our dear, sweet gift from our Heavenly Father, and hopefully we'll be able to do that before this time next year!

Little Room Update

Little room update

So that cute little room I've been ranting about for the past few posts now? I did it, I took out the paint and brushes and had at it yesterday! Its no where near complete but its definitely progress. Here's a little sneak peak :D

Suspicion

I have this sneaky suspicion that June will be a hard month for me. I've heard many baby announcements over the last few weeks of babies that are due the same month we would have been having a baby. Do not get me wrong I love all of these girls who are expecting and will be over joyed for them when they get there little miracles. I just know that every time I see a birth announcement from one of them it will tear just a little at my heart knowing that we could have been making our own little announcement right along side them.

I have an itch

I have an itch

You remember that little room that sits all taped up in my house? Well I've been having a bit of a creative itch. Even though I've been working on photos and announcements for my cousins wedding I just feel my little itch getting stronger and stronger to do something a little more hands on creative! So the more I feel this itch the more I think that I might just be pulling out the paint and supplies to finally get that room finished! Stay tuned for updated this one is going to be wonderful! :D
What I want it to look like

Gratitude

I must say that I have seriously been blessed with wonderful people in my life whether they are new, or old or even people I've barely met before.  After posting yesterday I considered taking that post down so no one else could see but then I realized hey this is me! Why should I have to act as if I'm perfectly fine with everything in my life all of the time. The truth of the matter is that struggling to get pregnant over these last three years has been very hard, not only on me but also on Shawn and our relationship. Shoot if anyone tries to tell me that infertility hasn't been a trial in their marriage I seriously would love to sit down and have a long talk with them to find out how they do it. The truth is this journey is nothing like I/we ever expected it to be. It is absolutely the most emotionally taxing thing I have ever been through in my life!
 Infertility has always been a nightmare of mine, something I knew I would have a very hard time dealing with. But like many things in life that we know would be a massive struggle for us, we seem to always think its something that will never happen to us, or anyone else we know for that matter. But boy was I wrong, the more I share about our journey the more friends I find who are struggling quietly with the same thing. And thats ok if they want to quietly struggle with their own journeys. We have been there and I learned that it was the loneliest thing I personally have done. Being able to be honest and open about our struggles has been one of the best things, I know we're not alone in this. Not that infertility is something I would EVER wish on my worst enemy, but its nice to know we have others to turn to with the same struggles. And we've come to realize that we seriously have the best support system ever.
I know that many people sometimes struggle with things to say or when to talk to us about certain things. I've seen it many times in peoples faces, and I wish they wouldn't feel so awkward about it. If there is something you are wondering about with our journey don't be afraid to ask. If I'm not comfortable with the question I can promise you that you'll know and we'll just move right along to the next thing! One other thing that always seems to get to me are the people who know about our struggles, say nothing to us and give us pitting looks. Seriously people this is not a death sentence we still have our lives, we are young and relatively healthy and have every hope in the world to still be parents one day whether its biologically through us or through adoption so please stop pitying us! For the most part though this is not what we encounter but more a never ending river of love and support from all of the people that we know and love. And for this I am eternally grateful!

Some Day...

Some days I sit in the room that will one day become our babies room the one that looks exactly like this:

Some days I look at that special room and think of the hope we have for a baby to one day play and laugh and cry within these walls. And some days I just sit and cry in that special little room for the baby we lost, looking through all the little baby things we already have waiting in that little white cupboard in the middle of the room. Some day, one day this room will finally be painted and decked out for our precious miracle. Today is not some day. Today this is exactly what that little room looks like, taped up, ready for a make over. Something I really want to do before getting pregnant again. But some days, like today I hesitate. I think what is the point it could be years still before we are actually blessed with a child. Someday maybe infertility wont sting quiet as bad as it does today. Some day!

2011 Recap

2011 Recap

Happy New Year all my blogging friends! So many things happened to us this year I thought it might be good to document them all:

January our friends precious little girl was born and we are seriously so in love with her!

February I started school again (though at the moment I'm not sure that this was a good plan, I'm sure I'll get over it once I finally graduate)

March holy cow I turned 25!

April I think that's around the time we stopped trying to get pregnant

May We started house hunting

June found out our little dream house was previously a meth house...continued the search and found the perfect house for us

July paperwork was finalized we got our keys and prepared to move in but not before our kitchen, living room and basement flooded from a broken hose to the fridge, followed the next day by our sprinkler system breaking and flooding our yard (Welcome to home ownership!!)

August We celebrated our 3 year anniversary

September I took Shawn all the way to England for an adventure of a lifetime!

October We found out we were pregnant, what a miracle!

November Our baby dreams came crashing down from the swift blow of a miscarriage

December Nothing too eventful to be honest but nothing bad really happened to us either and for that we are super grateful!

This year has seriously flown by! I feel like it was just yesterday I was sitting in a doctors office scared to death that there was no way Shawn and I would ever be able to conceive a child. That I was too broken to be able to do such a thing. And now I'm here hopeful once again that 2012 will see us bringing a child into this world. I won't lie having a miscarriage rocked my world and has made it feel in a way like 2011 was a bust. BUT then I realize "HELLO you can actually get pregnant that's a huge part of the battle and now you know you can have faith again in yourself and things will turn out just fine." Plus we got to buy our home, the one we plan to raise our children in and we are seriously so blessed to be able to do such a thing already in our lives. So in all I call 2011 a pretty good year. Do I hope 2012 is better? Of course I do, but then again doesn't everyone?